CommenTerry

Random Rants and Raves #160

I bet those people who pulled their retirement savings out of the stock market earlier this year feel pretty stupid right now.

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Healthcare workers should not be forced to get swine flu shots. However, those who get the swine, and then give it to one of their patents, should be subject to lawsuits.

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It doesn’t bother me that some people are refusing to get their Swine Flu shots. That just means less competition when I go to get mine.

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Murphy’s Law of spillage: An 8-ounce cup of liquid is enough to soak an entire 2000-square-foot home.

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The NFL should eliminate overtime from preseason games and just let games that are tied at the end of regulation result in a tie. During the preseason, won-loss records are not important anyway.

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If businesses were really serious about wanting people to stay home when they are sick, they would enact more liberal sick leave policies.

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The death penalty is not really a death penalty at all – it’s merely life reduction. Everyone’s going to die anyway.

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Why do game show hosts and news broadcasters feel the need to waste so much time on meaningless prattle?

Classic Rants and Raves #91

The United Methodist Church is now telling us to "find your own path." However, God demands that we find His path.         

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I love to be pampered and mollycoddled. Unfortunately, very few people are willing to treat me that way.  

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The reason there are difficult, long, and expensive ways to do some things is because the easy, short, and cheap ways to do them rarely work.

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I'm not all that concerned with stuff like fighting global warming and funding the arts. Other people will take care of those things. I'm more concerned about stuff that other people won't take care of -- like my retirement savings, for example.

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My version of Christianity focuses more on how making the right (and wrong) choices affects us in the here and now and not so much on some future rewards and punishment.

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If minors can be tried as adults for crimes they commit, why shouldn't they have the option to be treated as adults in other ways? If we were truly consistent, we would also allow a 16-year-old, for example, to say the following when initially denied a purchase at a liquor store: "No, no, no, you don't understand. I want to buy this as an adult!"

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Three little words at the bottom of the TV screen that can negate the contents of an entire infomercial: "Results not typical."

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I were a bank teller, there's no way I would give a potential robber any money just because he handed me a letter stating that he had a gun. I would threaten to start reading it out loud unless he showed me the gun.

Random Rants and Raves #159

If you owe the IRS more the $15,000 in back taxes and/or have unfiled tax returns … you’re either a deadbeat or a tax cheat.

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If you don’t want people to think you care about a certain thing, then don’t talk about it.

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People who are healthy and decline health coverage, even though they could afford it, don’t deserve affordable healthcare when they are sick.

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While it’s good to try to try to prevent health problems before they happen, we need to keep in mind that prevention is not an exact science. It’s not and never will be the be-all-end-all in healthcare. There will always be people who are sickly despite all their healthy habits as well as those who are healthy despite all their unhealthy habits.

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The value of youth is usually underappreciated – until one is old.

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Instant gratification is one of the biggest obstacles to long-term gain.

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I’ve never been interested in exploring my family tree. I’m here and that’s all that matters. It couldn’t care less about what route I took to get here.

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Time off from work is something that always seems so inequitable. Everywhere I’ve worked, there have been those who seem to be off every few days, while others are almost never absent.

Classic Rants and Raves #90

I've always liked to wear flannel shirts during the fall and winter. But now I can no longer find any of them made from 100% acrylic. I won't buy the cotton ones, as I prefer shirts that I can still wear after I have washed them.         

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We all know people who never have money for paying bills or other legitimate expenses, but always seem to have plenty to spend on frivolity.  

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Don't try to tell me the FCC is intent on curbing TV indecency when the no TV station has ever been fined for its airing of The Jerry Springer Show.

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Of the four franchises that came over to the NHL from the World Hockey Association (WHA), three of them have relocated since the merger. The Quebec Nordiques are now the Colorado Avalanche; the Winnipeg Jets are now the Phoenix Coyotes; and the New England Whalers are now the Carolina Hurricanes. Only the Edmonton Oilers remain in their original WHA venue.

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Answer: Iowa Carcasses.

Question: What do you call presidential candidates who don't perform well in the Iowa Caucuses?

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If you don't have caller ID, the best way to avoid nuisance phone calls is to hang up if the caller doesn't start talking immediately after you answer. Calls made by computers or other machines will generally produce a delay of a second or two.

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Time spent claiming one doesn't have time do a given job could be better used actually doing it.

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Trouble rarely comes at a time when one is expecting it.

Random Rants and Raves #156

Any healthcare reform bill should include a ban on TV advertising by personal injury lawyers and pharmaceutical companies.        

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Nudist colonies are overrated. No one you would ever want to see naked would dare join one.

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The producers of most established TV shows will eventually try to get too cute with the plots and storylines, often completely getting away from what made the shows popular in the first place. This often leads to a show’s cancellation.

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If I ever were to see a snake on my property, a “for sale” sign would go up the next day.

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Why does the entertainment industry seem to believe the rest of the country shares its challenged set of moral values?

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Why is prostitution illegal while it is acceptable for a man to use money to impress a woman (and for her to be impressed by it)?

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The first time you put on a particular garment, you should keep in mind that it will never look any better than it does at that point.

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You can often avoid humiliation by practicing a little humility.

Classic Rants and Raves #89

Contrary to what some people (especially feminists) seem to believe, pornography is not a misogynistic pastime.         

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When someone withholds information from you, it's always for a reason -- usually a bad one.  

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Whenever a local TV news personality leaves his or her job at the station involuntarily, the other on-air personnel will almost always be directed by station management to remain silent on the issue and act as if that person never existed. I guess this is done for legal reasons.

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Father: "Son, what do you want to do for a living when you grow up?"

Son: "When I grow up, I want to act."

Father: "Like what?"

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When I went to the podiatrist the other day, I told him that the calluses on my feet made me feel as if I had rocks in my shoes. He replied, "Maybe they fell out of your head."

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Before becoming angry about something, first make sure there's actually something to get angry about.

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Anything negative you say about your opponent(s) in a primary can and will be used against you or them in the general election.

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It seems inevitable that you'll occasionally run smack dab into the very thing or person you most want to avoid.

Random Rants and Raves #155

Senator Susan Collins of Maine has a voice that sounds exactly like that of the late actress Alice Ghostly.         

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Sometimes, even when you put your best foot forward, you still step in something.

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The best thing about email is that it can’t be overheard.

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I find Country Music Television (CMT) a lot more tolerable, now that it plays very few country music videos.

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If heat rises, then why are higher elevations generally cooler?

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Sometimes one just has to take a short term hit in exchange for a long term gain.

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It’s no telling how many dreams have been killed by the twin enemies called impatience and discouragement.

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The best thing about being selected for jury duty is that the trial usually gets cancelled before you ever have to serve.

The Only Things That I Assume

We have all heard the old saying about what assuming does to us. While that is pretty much true, I do believe it’s safe, and even desirable, to make some assumptions. Here are some of the things that I assume on a regular basis:

1) Whenever I hear something hit the floor, I assume that I dropped it.

2) Whenever I hear the blare of car horn, I assume that I must have made a stupid mistake behind the wheel.

3) Whenever I hear someone yelling or screaming, I assume that I’m the target.

4) Whenever I hear a strange noise while driving, I assume that it’s coming from my car.

5) Whenever I’m the first to finish a given task, I assume that I must have forgotten to do part of it.

6) Whenever I go to an agreed-upon meeting place and no one else is there, I assume that arrived too early, too late, or showed up the wrong location.

7) Whenever I pay for something at a store and get back less change than I expected, I assume that I am mistaken.

8) Whenever I pay for something at a store and get back more change than I expected, I assume that the clerk is mistaken.

9) Whenever my checking account balance is less than what I thought it was supposed to be, I assume that I miscalculated.

10) Whenever my checking account balance is more than what I thought it was supposed to be, I assume that the bank miscalculated.

11) Whenever I encounter a choice seat or parking space that is unoccupied, I assume that it is reserved for someone else.

12) Whenever I’m the first in line at a grocery store checkout, I assume that I failed to see the sign that said, “This line is closed.”

13) Whenever I notice that I’m passing everyone else on the road, I assume that I’m speeding.

14) Whenever I notice that everyone else on the road is passing me, I assume that I’m driving too slowly.

15) Whenever a set of instructions sound too easy, I assume that I must not have read all of them.

Random Rants and Raves #154

If at all possible and practical, remove from your life anything or anyone that causes you undue stress. It’s just one of the ways to increase your chances of a longer and healthier life.         

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When a pitcher throws a baseball right down Santa Claus Lane, the batter often knocks it all the way to the North Pole.

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I wouldn’t want to face death without the satisfaction of knowing that I had done everything in my power to prevent it.

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Be tolerant of other people’s failings and considerate of their feelings.

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Things that discourage many people will only cause me to dig my heals in and become more defiant.

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What do you call a low-risk investment that promises extraordinary gains? A scam!

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When you find a hole in a white sock, don’t throw its mate away. Keep it until you find a hole in another white sock, and then match it up with that sock’s mate.

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One of my guilty pleasures is seeing connoisseurs of the good life fall from their lofty perches and get forced to struggle like the rest of us.

Thirty Things That Can Ruin Your Life

Here are some things that can ruin your life if you are not careful. I intentionally left out things – such as health problems, accidents, job losses, storms, etc. – that can strike suddenly and without warning. The things on this list are generally invited into people’s lives (and/or are allowed to remain in their lives), often to their regret years later.

Most of them are inherently bad; while others aren’t necessarily bad; while a few can actually be good when used properly. Obviously, this list could likely have included many more items, as most readers could likely add several of their own without much effort. However, I have decided to limit it to 30 for the sake of brevity (and because I couldn’t think of anymore at the time of this writing).

1) Guns

2) Alcohol

3) Smoking/Tobacco

4) Premarital/Extramarital Sex

5) Lingering or Unbridled Anger/Rage

6) Fanaticism/Extremism

7) Hedonism/Lack of Boundaries

8) An Unforgiving Spirit/Bitterness

9) Recklessness

10) Drugs (Legal and Illegal)

11) Unhealthy Eating Habits

12) A Casual Attitude toward Cleanliness

13) Disrespect for Authority

14) Ignorance/Credulity

15) An Attitude of Entitlement

16) Riches

17) Fame

18) Too Much Work

19) Too Much Leisure

20) Greed

21) Fearfulness

22) Fearlessness

23) Hubris

24) Indolence/Laziness/Lack of a Work Ethic

25) General Apathy/Idleness/Lack of Initiative

26) Power

27) Aggressiveness

28) Passivity

29) Dishonesty

30) A Short Temper