CommenTerry

Classic Rants and Raves #93

When someone talks about the weather, it's usually because they can't think of anything else to say.         

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How exactly can one tell when a celebrity is acting weird? 

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I never watch Amercian Idol, but I understand that it has recently morphed into The Gong Show.

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Satellite TV: Television from the sky, but same crap as from Earth.

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People often get themselves into trouble when they start monkeying with the wrong monkey's monkey.

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Always prioritize things need to do in any given day by most important to least important and do them in that order. That way, if you run out of time or something comes up, you can postpone the items of lesser importance.

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The propersity we experience during good times tends to blind us to the perils that await us when times inevitably take a turn for the worse. 

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I believe something bad could indeed happen to someone after deleting a chain email -- it just won't have anything to do with the deletion of the chain email.

Ten Things You Can Count On

We're all familiar with the certainty of death and taxes. However, I've been around long enough to know that there are some other things in life that are nearly as certain (while trying to avoid most of the common clichés):

1) It is generally a mistake to expect smoothing sailing for any event or period of time. Furthermore, the more complex the event or the longer the time period, the lesser the likelihood of smooth sailing.

2) Most "bargains" are a fallacy. With the exception of charitable donations, any material thing that you can get for little or nothing is likely to be worth just that.

3) Most of the things which dominate our attention and concern on a daily basis won't matter at all to us when we are (or think we are) nearing death.

4) The easier something is to do, the more people there are who will be doing it.

5) Offers of freebies will attract bigger crowds than requests for donations.

6) The real tests of a person's character come at those times when no one else is looking.

7) Prevention is something that most people don't consider until it's too late.

8) It takes longer to earn money that it does to spend it.

9) The shorter the holding period of a stock market investment, the greater the chance a loss will be incurred.

10) For any given subject, there is always someone who "knows" more about it than those who have the most practical experience with it.

Classic Rants and Raves #92

As a regular usher at my church, I use the "butt rule" for counting members of the congregation: If their butt touches a pew, even for a split second, I count 'em.          

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Anyone holding a grudge against Al Gore for calling for the 2000 recount must also be against football coaches calling for instant replays.  

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Have you noticed all those people who stand around clapping at the New York Stock Exchange when the closing bell sounds? I can understand why they might do that on days when the market has gone up. But shouldn't they be booing instead of clapping on days when the market has gone down?

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After having studied many of my New Year's resolutions over the last decade, I made an interesting discovery. I am less likely to keep those resolutions that require courage and/or sacrifice than those that don't.

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The results of saying 'no' are temporary; the results of saying 'yes' are often permanent.

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Okay, it's time for me to coin a new word: swooper. A swooper is someone who swoops in at the last second and grabs something you have heart set on getting. They often appear in parking lots.

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There are not many things more annoying than the know-it-all mentality of the cultural elite.

 

Random Rants and Raves #160

I bet those people who pulled their retirement savings out of the stock market earlier this year feel pretty stupid right now.

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Healthcare workers should not be forced to get swine flu shots. However, those who get the swine, and then give it to one of their patents, should be subject to lawsuits.

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It doesn’t bother me that some people are refusing to get their Swine Flu shots. That just means less competition when I go to get mine.

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Murphy’s Law of spillage: An 8-ounce cup of liquid is enough to soak an entire 2000-square-foot home.

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The NFL should eliminate overtime from preseason games and just let games that are tied at the end of regulation result in a tie. During the preseason, won-loss records are not important anyway.

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If businesses were really serious about wanting people to stay home when they are sick, they would enact more liberal sick leave policies.

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The death penalty is not really a death penalty at all – it’s merely life reduction. Everyone’s going to die anyway.

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Why do game show hosts and news broadcasters feel the need to waste so much time on meaningless prattle?

Classic Rants and Raves #91

The United Methodist Church is now telling us to "find your own path." However, God demands that we find His path.         

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I love to be pampered and mollycoddled. Unfortunately, very few people are willing to treat me that way.  

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The reason there are difficult, long, and expensive ways to do some things is because the easy, short, and cheap ways to do them rarely work.

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I'm not all that concerned with stuff like fighting global warming and funding the arts. Other people will take care of those things. I'm more concerned about stuff that other people won't take care of -- like my retirement savings, for example.

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My version of Christianity focuses more on how making the right (and wrong) choices affects us in the here and now and not so much on some future rewards and punishment.

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If minors can be tried as adults for crimes they commit, why shouldn't they have the option to be treated as adults in other ways? If we were truly consistent, we would also allow a 16-year-old, for example, to say the following when initially denied a purchase at a liquor store: "No, no, no, you don't understand. I want to buy this as an adult!"

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Three little words at the bottom of the TV screen that can negate the contents of an entire infomercial: "Results not typical."

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I were a bank teller, there's no way I would give a potential robber any money just because he handed me a letter stating that he had a gun. I would threaten to start reading it out loud unless he showed me the gun.

Random Rants and Raves #159

If you owe the IRS more the $15,000 in back taxes and/or have unfiled tax returns … you’re either a deadbeat or a tax cheat.

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If you don’t want people to think you care about a certain thing, then don’t talk about it.

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People who are healthy and decline health coverage, even though they could afford it, don’t deserve affordable healthcare when they are sick.

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While it’s good to try to try to prevent health problems before they happen, we need to keep in mind that prevention is not an exact science. It’s not and never will be the be-all-end-all in healthcare. There will always be people who are sickly despite all their healthy habits as well as those who are healthy despite all their unhealthy habits.

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The value of youth is usually underappreciated – until one is old.

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Instant gratification is one of the biggest obstacles to long-term gain.

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I’ve never been interested in exploring my family tree. I’m here and that’s all that matters. It couldn’t care less about what route I took to get here.

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Time off from work is something that always seems so inequitable. Everywhere I’ve worked, there have been those who seem to be off every few days, while others are almost never absent.

Classic Rants and Raves #90

I've always liked to wear flannel shirts during the fall and winter. But now I can no longer find any of them made from 100% acrylic. I won't buy the cotton ones, as I prefer shirts that I can still wear after I have washed them.         

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We all know people who never have money for paying bills or other legitimate expenses, but always seem to have plenty to spend on frivolity.  

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Don't try to tell me the FCC is intent on curbing TV indecency when the no TV station has ever been fined for its airing of The Jerry Springer Show.

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Of the four franchises that came over to the NHL from the World Hockey Association (WHA), three of them have relocated since the merger. The Quebec Nordiques are now the Colorado Avalanche; the Winnipeg Jets are now the Phoenix Coyotes; and the New England Whalers are now the Carolina Hurricanes. Only the Edmonton Oilers remain in their original WHA venue.

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Answer: Iowa Carcasses.

Question: What do you call presidential candidates who don't perform well in the Iowa Caucuses?

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If you don't have caller ID, the best way to avoid nuisance phone calls is to hang up if the caller doesn't start talking immediately after you answer. Calls made by computers or other machines will generally produce a delay of a second or two.

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Time spent claiming one doesn't have time do a given job could be better used actually doing it.

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Trouble rarely comes at a time when one is expecting it.

Random Rants and Raves #156

Any healthcare reform bill should include a ban on TV advertising by personal injury lawyers and pharmaceutical companies.        

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Nudist colonies are overrated. No one you would ever want to see naked would dare join one.

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The producers of most established TV shows will eventually try to get too cute with the plots and storylines, often completely getting away from what made the shows popular in the first place. This often leads to a show’s cancellation.

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If I ever were to see a snake on my property, a “for sale” sign would go up the next day.

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Why does the entertainment industry seem to believe the rest of the country shares its challenged set of moral values?

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Why is prostitution illegal while it is acceptable for a man to use money to impress a woman (and for her to be impressed by it)?

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The first time you put on a particular garment, you should keep in mind that it will never look any better than it does at that point.

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You can often avoid humiliation by practicing a little humility.

Classic Rants and Raves #89

Contrary to what some people (especially feminists) seem to believe, pornography is not a misogynistic pastime.         

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When someone withholds information from you, it's always for a reason -- usually a bad one.  

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Whenever a local TV news personality leaves his or her job at the station involuntarily, the other on-air personnel will almost always be directed by station management to remain silent on the issue and act as if that person never existed. I guess this is done for legal reasons.

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Father: "Son, what do you want to do for a living when you grow up?"

Son: "When I grow up, I want to act."

Father: "Like what?"

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When I went to the podiatrist the other day, I told him that the calluses on my feet made me feel as if I had rocks in my shoes. He replied, "Maybe they fell out of your head."

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Before becoming angry about something, first make sure there's actually something to get angry about.

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Anything negative you say about your opponent(s) in a primary can and will be used against you or them in the general election.

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It seems inevitable that you'll occasionally run smack dab into the very thing or person you most want to avoid.

Random Rants and Raves #155

Senator Susan Collins of Maine has a voice that sounds exactly like that of the late actress Alice Ghostly.         

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Sometimes, even when you put your best foot forward, you still step in something.

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The best thing about email is that it can’t be overheard.

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I find Country Music Television (CMT) a lot more tolerable, now that it plays very few country music videos.

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If heat rises, then why are higher elevations generally cooler?

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Sometimes one just has to take a short term hit in exchange for a long term gain.

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It’s no telling how many dreams have been killed by the twin enemies called impatience and discouragement.

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The best thing about being selected for jury duty is that the trial usually gets cancelled before you ever have to serve.