CommenTerry

The Art of Conversation Steering

From my early childhood, I began to master the art of "sneaky" conversation steering. Here's how it works: Let's say there's something that I personally find extremely hurtful or painful to talk about. I also don't want to have to explain why I feel that way about that particular subject. I'll call it topic D. Then let's suppose that several of us are standing around talking and the conversation is now at topic A. I know from past experience that topic A could easily lead to topic B, which could easily lead to topic C, which could easily lead to topic D. I then steer the conversation to topic Y without anyone noticing what I did or questioning my motive for doing it.

Are You Haired?

Time for me to coin another new word, this time, the word "haired." Now I know that word already exists, of course, but it's always used in conjunction with adjectives like grey, curly, red, short, etc. But I'm talking about using it as a standalone word defined as: "having hair; the opposite of bald." For example, one might say, "my brother is bald, but my father is haired."

The Worst Possible Mistake by a Presidential Candidate

What's the worst possible mistake a presidential candidate could make? Would it be screaming in Iowa? Crying in New Hampshire? Getting caught on a boat named Monkey Business? No, I think the worst mistake a presidential candidate could make would be to select a running mate whose last name is Johnson!

Now I Know Why That Cat Was Upset

Last month, I took my mother's cat to the animal hospital to get her requisite rabies shot. I carried her in one of those pet carrier boxes. Anyway, that cat meowed and carried on the whole time I was in the waiting room. When a young man finally came out to take the cat back to get the shot, he offered a possible reason as to why the cat was so upset. He said it could be that she preferred to "think outside the box."

Calling My Brain!

While writing a recent column, my brain wasn't communicating with my fingers. I mistakenly wrote that South Korea was a "communist threat to the world." Obviously, I meant North Korea. Now I know how Gerald Ford felt during that presidential debate with Jimmy Carter in 1976 in which he asserted that Eastern Europe was not under Soviet domination. :-) Actually it was and remained so for another 13 years.

One Flaw Cancels Out the Other

Some guy once told me that he had only two characters flaws. He said the first one was lust -- he lusted after just about every woman that came around. However, he said his second character flaw, lack of courage, cancelled out the first one. He explained that he never acted on any of his feelings of lust because he was afraid his wife would kill him if he did!

Please Excuse the Bulge in My Cereal Box!

I used to be one of those who complained about cereal boxes not being filled all the way to the top. However, I've now quit complaining. The other day, I took a small amount of cereal from a old box and put it into a now box I had just opened but not yet used. When I did this, the new box developed a bulge at the top so that I could no longer close it. The bulge remained until I emptied the extra contents from the box.

Now You Know

I'm often asked why I never back into a parking space. My response is that there is much more room outside of a space that inside of one and that I need the extra room for "margin of error" when driving in reverse. I also mention that I have difficulty backing an automobile because of a birth defect -- I was born without eyes in the back of my head!

You Can Just Call Me Mr. President

Every two years, I have to complete a personal information questionnaire at my doctor's office. This year, I noticed a new question had been added: "What do you want to be called?" I couldn't resist! First, I wrote, "Mr. President." Then I crossed it out and wrote, "Your Honor." Then I crossed that out and simply wrote, "Terry."

Song Lyrics I've Misunderstood

I don't know about you, but I'm constantly misunderstanding song lyrics. In many cases, I never figure what's actually being sung until I see the words in writing. Here are some examples of song lyrics I've misunderstood over the years:

(1) From Billy Joel's "My Life":

Actual lyrics: "Got a call from an old friend. We used to be real close."

What I heard: "Got a call from an old friend weast of the riv boat."

(2) From the Black Crowes' "Too Hard to Handle":

Actual lyrics: "Mamma, I'm sure hard to handle now"

What I heard: "Mamma, I'm sure am da henda now"

(3) From the opening theme to Good Times:

Actual lyrics: "Easy credit ripoffs"

What I heard: "Easy crayda ripoffs"

Actual lyrics: "Hangin' in a chow line"

What I heard: "Hangin' and a jivin'"

(4) From the opening theme to All in the Family:

Actual lyrics: "Gee, our old LaSalle ran great"

What I heard: "Gee, our old LaSow rent rate"

(5) From the opening theme to The Flintstones:

Actual lyrics: "They're the modern stone age family"

What I heard: "They're a modern-storic family"

Actual lyrics: "From the town of Bedrock"

What I heard: "Wilma, down in Bedrock"

(6) From the opening and closing themes to Gilligan's Island respectively:

Actual lyrics: "The ship took ground on the shore of this uncharted desert isle"

What I heard: "The ship sacrowned on the shore of this, a charted desert isle"

Actual lyrics: "No phones, no lights, no motor cars"

What I heard: "No phones, no lights, no motorguard"

(7) From Exile's "Kiss You All Over":

Actual lyrics: "Till the night closes in"

What I heard: "Till the night comes within"

(8) From Jackson Browne's "Lawyers in Love":

Actual lyrics: "As vacation land for lawyers in love"

What I heard: "As vacation land for liars in love"

(9) From Gordon Lightfoot's "Carefree Highway":

Actual lyrics: "Carefree Highway, let me slip away on you"

What I heard: "Every highway lets me slip away on you"

(10) From Paul McCartney's "My Brave Face":

Actual lyrics: "My brave, my brave, my brave face"

What I heard: "My great, my great, my great face"

(11) From America's "Ventura Highway":

Actual lyrics: "Ventura highway in the sunshine"

What I heard: "Venture a highway in the sunshine"

(12) From the Eagles' "The Best of My Love":

Actual lyrics: "Wastin' our time on cheap talk and wine"

What I heard: "Wastin' our time on cheap-talkin' wine"

(13) From Elvis Presley's "Don't be Cruel":

Actual lyrics: "Sittin' home all alone"

What I heard: "Sittin' on morning low"

Actual lyrics: "Don't be cruel to a heart that's true"

What I heard: "Don't be cruel -- true heart that's true"

(14) From Earth Wind and Fire's "Dancing in September":

Actual lyrics: "Aaahh Ba de ya -- Say do you remember"

What I heard: "On and on -- Santa, you remember"

(15) From James Taylor's "Fire and Rain":

Actual lyrics: "I've seen fire and I've seen rain"

What I heard: "Obscene fire and obscene rain"